Asian Reads | Issue 05
A Personal Journey Through Asian Identity, Caregiving, and Cultural Belonging
Asian Writers’ Collective is a publication dedicated to fostering greater understanding and appreciation of Asian cultures and experiences among a global readership. Subscribe to the Asian Writer’s Collective to decolonize your reading and discover unique writing.
This issue of AWC features was curated by Victoria of Carer Mentor, where she writes about her experiences as a caregiver to her parents and shares abundant resources for others. Popular articles include “Bereavement and Grief Anthology” “For the Empathy and Love of Others,” and “The Caring About Crying Anthology.”
Thank you, Tiffany! I appreciate your invitation to write this November Features Post for AWC.
DOVETAILING WITH ISSUE 4 IDENTITY
As Brother Young says in the October Features Post:
The articles [that he shared] are not all written from Asian-Americans. This lived-in experience of being a “hyphenated-Asian” goes beyond the borders of America. Personally, I believe much of our search for identity goes beyond ethnicity and/or nationality. Much of our dilemma as mere humans in this journey of becoming who we are - who we were designed, crafted, and molded to be - also involves all that is mental, emotional, and spiritual. The articles below give insight to some of the lived experiences of many of us who are on this journey of discovering more of ourselves, as we exist in this world as Asian people.
I wholeheartedly agree.
I must confess that I felt somewhat uncomfortable because I don’t think of myself as being able to represent Asian culture or other Asians. Does anyone else ponder their Asian-ness? Am I Asian enough?
I am Chinese Asian, born in the UK to parents born in Malaysia. I’m an only child with an education through to a Master of Business Administration. I climbed the Global corporate ladder to Vice-President before I chose to resign and help my Mum care for Dad. He passed in 2020, and I continue to prioritise care for my mother over the mentoring company/business consultancy I started in 2017.
Throughout my career, I was judged by what people see: young, female, Asian. As a caregiver, I’m unseen or, worse, boxed by reductive assumptions or labels.
Dovetailing with Brother Young’s Issue 4, I’d like to offer more thoughts on my journey of identity through the lens of Asian women who are caregivers.
RESONANCE
Lani’s words resonated. I’m a Banana but even my skin is whiter than white. I often joke that my melanin was never activated. My motivation to look closely at my roots, or plant myself closer to my ancestral culture never took hold.
During my work, I was on the move, literally and physically. I was launched into an expat culture, and flew. Until, I didn’t.
I decided, head-heart-gut aligned to resign. I chose to return to my childhood home—the same house (albeit with various renovations).
Bananarama - I'm your Asian
— Lani V. Cox writes No Girl is an Island
Bananas are well-traveled and travel well, too. Oh, sure, they get bruised, but they’re tough. I mean, sometimes, you peel back the blackened skin, and the white fruit is untouched.
The implication of being called a banana is that you aren’t really Asian, you just look Asian.
DISSONANCE
Meeting Susan via Substack connected me with someone with a much deeper connection and experience of Asian culture than me.
This discussion introduced me to other like-minded Asians, who feel they’re “hybrid”, straddling cultures and definitions of home, like Michelle Pehlman.
In my exchange with Susan, she introduced me to the “filial piety” concept, something I hadn’t fully appreciated before.
At the start of my caregiving journey, I realised that while I was “eyes-wide-open” in my identity shift from Corporate to Carer, I hadn’t fully appreciated how others could perceive this choice. Even well-intentioned family members can miss the mark completely—duty is not a word I associate with what I do. Love is my word.
Susan’s discussion reminded me that empathy and openness are vital to ensure we don’t presume to know what’s inside from how we appear on the outside.
Asian Connections/Asian Substack writers
— Susan Kuenzi writes Transformed by His Love
I've sometimes felt like somewhat of a hybrid myself. In college, at first the Chinese Christian club did not want to accept me (brown Chinese from Trinidad) and another brown student from Guam. Eventually, they decided to accept us. Plus there is the generational gap between my parents, grandparents and I. And so many cultural differences.
Continue Reading Michelle’s comment
ELDERCARE
Thanks to Lily, I travelled around her ponderings and felt wiser, more at home and seen.
You Can’t Be Everywhere All At Once
The Confucius principle of “filial piety” puts eldercare obligations front and center of our familial life. Not only does it demand obedience and respect for parents and other elderly family members, but it also expects devoted service to them.
Bu xiao, meaning, not pious toward your elders, is a severe condemnation. It’s something that warrants the strike of a lightning bolt (a warning often used by parents and seen in old-fashioned Chinese TV dramas, too).
On the other hand, if you are xiao shun, meaning, pious toward your elders, you would be considered a good daughter or son, and highly regarded by your extended family and friends.
In other words, everyone is watching your behavior around your parents. The social pressure is intense.
With this backdrop, children born into a Chinese family can experience formidable cognitive dissonance when they adapt to the American way of living.
CARING AS AN ASIAN MOTHER
I was drawn to Rachel’s article because, while I don’t have children, this neatly describes inner conflicts of an Asian-western person..
I recommend reading this article as Rachel shares how she was mothered, through to the wishes she has for her children.
Motherhood is a Contradiction
— Rachel Ooi writes Conscious Living
Motherhood is a contradiction. One moment, I grieved the loss of my selfhood and individuality. The next, I cuddled my newborn tightly, breathed in the baby's smell, got all mushy, and felt at one with this other person. One moment, I was sad about being unable to travel at the drop of a hat anymore. The next, I started nesting like crazy, preparing my home for yet another baby.
THE FUTURE
Thanks to Alice for role-modelling how we can mentor, mother a new way for daughters. These articles made me sit up a bit taller, as a mentor of younger people, some asian and mothers.
Helping My Daughter Understand the Value of Women’s Work
— Alice Chen writes Happy Asian Woman
Society undervalues women’s work - we don’t value what we don’t pay for. I struggle with this a lot, undervaluing my unpaid contribution to the family. Do you value women’s work and if so, how did you come to be that way? Also, how are you teaching the next generation to value women’s work?
COMING HOME
I appreciate Steph’s writing because, as our mutual hero Dr Brené Brown would say, “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses in this world.”1
I Am Chinese
— Steph Wright writes in the arena
My wish for you is to come home to yourself. Don’t be the good concealer and blend in, be the neon glittery eyeshadow and stand out!
I’m a very Westernised Asian, a “Banana” who’s curiously continuing my journey of identity. However, I’ll always be a “giver of care.” It’s at the heart of what I do: Empathy, love, and inspiration fuel me. Hence, Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration.
I hope these articles and my thoughts about being an Asian caregiver resonated with you or offered a new perspective you can reflect upon.
Thanks to Tiffany and the Asian Writers Collective, we now have a portal to explore our “Asian-ness” in whichever way that feels right for you.
This issue of AWC features was curated by Victoria of Carer Mentor. If you enjoyed these picks, be sure to subscribe to her Substack.
Courage Over Comfort Dr Brené Brown March 13 2018
 | A guest post by
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Victoria, thank you so much for inviting me to be a part of this beautiful roundup of Asian writers! You and our fellow writers are helping me to heal and find belonging. Grateful to have found you sister 🩷
What a wonderful collection here. I like that there is a theme here to what we all Asians experience collectively and beyond. Thanks for including me :)